In which I publish my longest, most brutally honest blog post yet.

I really wanted to wait to write this until I had finished my work as an Au Pair, but since my second 6-month contract just fell through and I’m about to move in with family number three, I’m (1) feeling pretty experienced as an Au Pair already and (2) feel that I should provide a more detailed explanation of the relationship between the family, the Au Pair, and the agency so that you can start to understand the sorts of situations that often occur.

Before you consider or recommend an Au Pair program in China, these are some things that you should understand about the pressures, relationships, and the nature of my own experiences and difficulties as an Au Pair in China.  Also, keep in mind that I have experienced no unmanageable issues with the children themselves, or with living in China in general (many other Au Pairs have voiced concerns on these issues, but I will not address them here).

Au Pairs and their Expectations

Being an Au Pair is not a job in that an Au Pair is not paid a salary and thus does not need a work visa.  Au Pairs actually pay a fee (smaller than the cost of a plane ticket) to an agency to participate in the program, but everything they’ll need to live is provided by either the host family or the agency.

In general, Au Pairs are new high school graduates, university students, or recent college graduates taking a gap year.  When I ask the question “Why China?” most reply “To challenge myself” as if they’re some wild adventure hunter.  Most are in it for the opportunity to travel cheaply and are not necessarily passionate about or experienced in ESL teaching or child care, though they’re willing to do their best.  Some may have studied Chinese language or history before coming, but most have not.  They are not expected to have any previous language teaching experience.  It’s a cultural exchange program, after all, not a real job.  The visa paperwork says so!

Interestingly, the Au Pairs I’ve met in China are mostly European.  I’ve met Germans, Italians, and Brits mostly, but they come from all over the continent and not necessarily from English-speaking countries, though their English is fluent.

Host Families and Their Expectations

One thing to understand: Chinese people are desperate for their children to learn and practice English.  Parents realize that China is becoming more globalized and that English is necessary to communicate with almost any non-Chinese business or organization.  It is also important for China to gain more exposure to foreign cultures (any expat can attest to this fact).  Parents also realize that the Chinese school system sucks (in many ways, but teaching kids English is definitely one of them).  Many wealthier families send their kids to universities, high schools, and even middle schools in foreign English-speaking countries with the hopes that they will get a better education and future opportunities.  Getting an Au Pair is more expensive and personal than English classes, but if it helps the kids learn English without being shipped off to a foreign country at a young age than it’s worth a try.

The Good

All Benefits Included: With a good agency (and thankfully Lopair does their job well), the risk of being stranded in a foreign country is almost zero.  The company covers (or insures that the host family covers) the costs of plane tickets, legal paperwork, food, housing, living expenses, health insurance, language classes, local support, expenses associated with changing host families, dealing with emergencies, etc.)  The only thing you absolutely need to pay for with your stipend money is public transportation to and from Chinese class.  You can spend the rest on ice cream if you want.  Seriously, the only time I’ve taken money out of my personal account since I started as an Au Pair was to pay sixty bucks for my hostel in Shenzhen, and that was personal travel.  I have met plenty of English teachers here working illegally (without a work visa), some without insurance and/or living semi-permanently in a hostel.  There are plenty of things to get stressed about in this job, but money is not one of them.

It Really Can Work Well:  If the Au Pair and the family communicate with each other and understand each other’s expectations, the situation can work really well.  A few months with an Au Pair can have kids speaking better English than Chinese adults who literally studied English all their lives.  Chinese people have a culture of being wonderful hosts, so Au Pairs are treated well.  Wealthy families, if they like the Au Pair, will take them sight-seeing around the city, the country, or even abroad.  Also, by living with a Chinese host family an Au Pair is in the perfect situation to be fully immersed in the local culture.  If everybody learns how to get along, the relationship is fantastic.

The Bad

Expectations Mismatch: Chinese families who get Au Pair are all upper-class because Au Pairs are expensive.  The fact that parents pay a lot of money to the agency to get an Au Pair means that they naturally expect top-notch results.  Then, combine that with the fact that they are, after all, Chinese parents (meaning they expect a lot anyway) and an Au Pair may have some big shoes to fill.  Contrast that with the expectations of Au Pairs, who expect a cultural exchange experience funded by baby-sitting and some English conversation practice (they may speak English well, but that doesn’t make them teachers), and you’ve got potential for a large gap in expectations.  Host parents may not feel guilty for asking their Au Pair to work overtime, help with tasks not in the job description, or perform as well as a professional English tutor because, after all, they paid good money for a service.  Likewise, Au Pairs may not feel guilty for doing the minimum of the job description, maybe just sitting watching TV with the kids and making sure they don’t get into trouble.  Hey, it’s not like they can get a raise or get paid overtime!  There’s not a curriculum to follow or anything!  Neither of these extreme approaches is fair to the other party, but it’s easy to see how these mindsets could occur.

The Pay:  A good agency provides everything you need, but the truth is that Au Pairs don’t get paid beyond a small monthly living stipend, meaning the amount is fixed (regardless of performance).  In fact, Au Pairs actually pay a small fee to participate in the program. Remember how desperately sought-after fluent (especially native) English speakers are in China?  Real English teaching or tutoring jobs can pay pretty well.  Some even provide benefits like airfare, housing and help getting a work visa.  My Chinese friends that I’ve explained my work to have a wide range of reactions on hearing the details of my situation, from “Eh, I guess that makes sense.” to “Dude get out of there you’re getting ripped off!”  I’ve struggled with the fairness question for a while, and while I don’t think Au Pairs are getting ripped off, the truth is that despite the benefits, there are many moments spent under the scrutiny of expectant host parents, trying to figure out the details of their high expectations, of “I really don’t get paid enough for this.”  Money may not be an issue, but I don’t have anything to put in savings either.

Work-Life Separation:  It’s mostly zero.  If you’re at home and the kids are home, chances are you’re putting in work hours.  Knocking before entering is not a concept that most Chinese children are familiar with, either, and anyway it would be rude to ignore the family completely while they’re home.  Basically you have to leave the house if you want to get away from work and sometimes the host families feel the same way.  If you’re not careful, your 30 work hours a week (the contract limit) could become 40 or more, especially during holidays.

Also, some decided benefits of traditional English teaching jobs are that the parents are not directly involved in the classroom and you don’t take them (or your students) home with you after you finish work.  One of my non-au pair English teacher friends literally taped a giant paper tree over his classroom viewing window just so that parents couldn’t stare at him while he worked.  There are definitely times when I wished I had a tree too.  The closeness to the family can be great, but when you hear stories of Au Pairs that got fired because they didn’t clean their rooms, there might be a need for a little more work-life separation.

The Ugly

Very Conditional Love: Is an Au Pair-host family relationship or a work relationship or a family relationship?  It’s supposed to be a family relationship, but the ugly truth is that host parents are fundamentally incapable of loving an Au Pair unconditionally.  The children can love them, the grandparents can love them, the aunts and uncles and cousins and pets can love them, but not the parents (however much they might like you).  Au Pairs are employees in the sense that if the parents are unsatisfied with their work, they will be dismissed.  So, it feels like a family relationship only as long as everything is going smoothly.

Getting Dismissed:  The experience is different for everyone.  In fact, in some cases the Au Pair breaks the contract instead of the parent.  I guess it would be less traumatic if we all just hated each other, but it’s rarely that simple.  When you live with a family you not only get to know the kids but also the grandparents, relatives, friends, neighborhood, and city where they live.  Both times I got dismissed I had (except for one parent) neutral or excellent relationships with all family members, including the kids, up until the day I got my two weeks’ notice.  That’s not a slow deterioration of a wide range of relationships, that’s a shock for everybody because one person couldn’t be bothered to negotiate a compromise.

When the contract is broken prematurely all of those previously-healthy relationships get damaged, and the Au Pair gets the news that they’ve been fired, estranged, evicted, and may even have to move to a new city (all in a foreign country) all at once.  It’s really tough for the kids too.  The agency is great in that they’re fast on starting the rematch process, but unlike ordinary breakups where you can take a few months or years to recover before you try again, in this kind of relationship you’ve got to put on a smiling face for a new round of interviews starting the next day, before you’ve even moved out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, that’s what it’s been like for me.  My experiences have ranged from fantastic to terrible and back.  Day to day work is generally nice since I’ve gotten along well with the kids.  I’ve gained new child care and ESL tutoring skills from each family I’ve stayed with.  At this point I have more soft skills than a pillow factory.  However, although I may not take my problems with me from one family to the next, I definitely take my fear.  The process of being re-matched has been truly terrible for me and although I have high hopes that my latest family will work out and finish out the 3-month contract, I may never completely shake the feeling that it could end tomorrow.  One way or the other, this will be my last host family.  After this it’s either time to get a real job in China, or go home.

I’ve learned a lot from these experiences and on the whole they’ve been good, but if I could do it all again I would look at other working opportunities in China, such as real teaching jobs or real family exchange programs.  I might also look for volunteer teaching work opportunities.

Being an Au Pair isn’t exactly what I expected.  Does anything I’ve written surprise you?

 

*****UPDATE 2018******

Wow!  This post has gotten a lot more traffic than I ever expected!  I’m so glad my perspective and experiences are helpful to others traveling to China.

Even though it’s been over a year since I finished my last Au Pair contract and left China, I’m more than happy to your answer your comments (but I’m not sure you’ll get notified of my reply) >.<

This blog is a relic of my 2016 China adventures, but if you want to see my more recent China/Mandarin/Culture/Travel related writing (or contact me directly), I’ve moved to a shiny new site on WordPress here!