In which I post a compilation of anonymous quotes I’ve heard from Chinese people along my journey.

Below are some of the most interesting and bizarre things I’ve heard from my Chinese friends, family, and from random encounters.  All of them were said in a non-menacing, but also non-joking way.   These are not exactly quotes as most have been paraphrased and some have been translated into English, but the meaning remains the same.  All have been directed at me unless otherwise specified.  If anyone I’ve referenced happens to read this post, know that I am not offended and only hope to prompt discussion and cultural understanding.  Actually, most have been confirmed or repeated by more than one person.

 

FROM ADULTS

Haven’t you heard that Marilyn Monroe’s death was a conspiracy?  She didn’t commit suicide, that was just a cover up.  She was having an affair with President Nixon and got killed because she learned too many government secrets.  What, you never knew that and you’re American?

 

I had a really conflicted relationship with Panda Express when I lived in the States.  The food was so un-Chinese, but I had been away from China for so long that I got desperate sometimes.

 

[parent] This snack isn’t Chinese, it says here it was made in Taiwan.

[child]  But Taiwan is China.

[parent] Um… how do I explain this…

 

[me] So, is there any particular way that I should eat this?

[them]  No, you can just eat it however.  No worries.

[me] *starts eating*

[them]  You’re not going to eat your toast and fried egg together?

 

[Random person standing in the elevator beside me]  Hey, do you know what’s in this bottle?  Can I use it to wash my face?

[me]  Um… the label isn’t written in English.  I’m American and I can’t read it either.  Sorry, no idea.

[random person]  Yeah, it’s in German.  My friend gave it to me but I’ve got no idea how to use it.  Thanks anyway.

 

Wow, you majored in math?  That’s really impressive, especially since you’re a girl.  Girls are inherently less logical and thus worse at math.

 

Ah, so since you’re a girl, taking care of children comes naturally to you.

 

Really?  You’re American?  Huh, you don’t look American.  You look more German to me.

 

Oh, so you like China?  Do you have a boyfriend?  You should get a Chinese boyfriend, then you can live in China for a long time and your children would be adorable!

 

Sorry, I would love to go get ice cream with you, but I can’t because I’m on my period this week.  Maybe next week?

 

You’re right, American politics is ridiculous, but at least Americans can talk about and make fun of their government.  Chinese people can’t do that.

 

You’re really beautiful!  Really!

 

FROM CHILDREN

Are you a boy or a girl?  Oh… I thought your hair might be a wig.

 

I hate the number four because in Chinese it means death.  Can you help me find a five leaf clover?

 

Black people are scary.  When they smile all you can see is their teeth, and in movies they’re always the bad guys.

 

I hate Japan. (said in the cutest little kid voice)

 

[me]  Can we pretend to be the Japanese and fight the Chinese in war this time, just to mix things up?

[kid]  No, are you crazy?!  Then we might kill our ancestors and we wouldn’t exist!

 

[kid]  I don’t want to be Chinese, I want to be American!

[parent]  What???  Why would you say such a thing?!!

[kid]  Because I love learning English and I hate learning Chinese.

 

Melissa, I love your fluffy hair!

 

Melissa, can you say “Beep boop”?

 

Melissa, I love you.  You’re my best Au Pair.  I’ll never forget you.